The Lexingtonienne

February27th

15 Comments

When I was pregnant, I was an indefatigable task master, hell-bent on accomplishing every item of business before the baby arrived. Car registration completed 2 months in advance? Check. Property taxes paid 3 months before they were due? Yep. Enough hand soap stockpiled to last us until the baby’s 7th birthday? Youuu betcha.

The goal was to take care of everything so that, once Eleanora arrived, I could focus just on her. I was preparing for life to slow down, to be suspended in this magical, albeit sleepless, bubble of time. It’s a beautiful idea, isn’t it?

My mistake, however, was thinking my life would slow down. Haha.

HAHAHA.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Idiot.

Me When I Thought I Knew Things

Instead of slowing down, every aspect of my life now moves at 90 miles per hour. I shower at lightning speed. I inhale entire meals in under two minutes. There are no magazines in my bathroom.

As for grocery shopping? Before Eleanora was born, I went to the grocery store like 5 times a week, or whenever the mood struck me. I’d lean on the cart handle and ponder, “Should I buy some more toothpaste? It’s on sale. It might be on better sale next week. Meh, maybe I’ll get some. No, I think I have an extra tube at home. Maybe I’d better wait. Well… I can always keep more toothpaste in the guest bathroom. Okay, I’ll get some toothpaste.” That was pre-baby.

Now? Do you remember the game show Supermarket Sweep, where contestants raced through a grocery store in a maniacal dash for alimentary prizes? Supermarket Sweep, for me, is less a game show and more a lifestyle these days.

I spend a week compiling a master grocery list, waiting eagerly for Sunday to arrive, when I can leave the baby at home with Hubba Bubba and attack the Albertson’s by my damn self. (If Eleanora and I pop into the store during the week, I have to put her car seat in the main part of the cart, leaving me only the top part for groceries. This is not conducive for buying crates of bottled water or 10-packs of paper towels.)

shopping cart

But just because I am alone does not necessarily mean I have the luxury of time. Usually, by the time I realize I have an opportunity to go to the grocery store, we are 45 minutes away from Eleanora’s next feed. It takes me ten minutes to get to the store, and ten minutes to get home, leaving me 25 minutes to procure a week’s worth of groceries and still get home in time to feed the baby.

The Sweep is ON.

I run into the grocery store like Large Marge after drinking 17 Jolt Colas, grab a cart — usually one with a jammed up wheel that pulls really hard to one side because I don’t have time to test out 3 or 4 different carts to find one with decent alignment — and dash for shampoo and swiss cheese as though I’m running from a rampant flow of hot lava.

Breaaaaaad!!!!!!

Toilet payypahhhhhrrrrr!!!!!!!

Slice the turkey fastahhhhhrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

Anyway, the point of all this is that right now I have to stick with what I know or else nothing happens at all. I need tried and true meals with short ingredient lists. So this week I made the Apricot Pork Roast again for dinner, because I can run into the store like a bat out of hell, grab a pork roast, apricot preserves, orange juice, soy sauce, an onion, and some garlic, and then get the eff out of there.

Oh, sorry, were you looking for a new recipe? You’ll have to talk to my boss about that. 😉

Head Chef

APRICOT PORK ROAST (pdf)

xoxo,
Hannah

15 Comments

  • Comment by rebecca — February 28, 2011 @ 6:30 am

    You’re scaring me! Ahhhh!

  • Comment by ashley — February 28, 2011 @ 7:34 am

    I was just laughing so hard I was trying not to cry! Reminds me of my own life… just wait until she is old enough to start screaming for cookies while you are grocery shopping! It only gets better! xoxo

  • Comment by Danielle — February 28, 2011 @ 8:54 am

    I’m laughing because this is my life. I try to cram 19 things into one day that I used to have the luxury of doing (leisurely) over the course of a week. Such is motherhood, I suppose. For the record, 2 minutes for dinner is pretty good!

  • Comment by Whitney — February 28, 2011 @ 2:48 pm

    Oh just wait….it only gets better. Take my experience of grocery shopping last week, my two year old decides to scream the new word he just learned (from his dad I might add) at the top of his lungs on repeat in the store. I”ll give you a hint, it rhymes with truck. It’s his clearest word, the whole store is laughing, which only eggs him on. Now every time we go to the store he screams it. This lovely trip to the grocery was only to be topped by him taking an entire baggy of cheerios and dumping them in the aisle and then undoing his safety belt (that are always broken on every grocery cart and high chair in the state of Texas) and insisting (read as screaming and turning bright red while strangers look at you as if you are the worst mother on the planet) to get out of the cart so he can push in-between my legs so that I finish my leisurely grocery trip with a writhing, screaming toddler on my hip and attempting to steer the cart with one hand. Joys of motherhood!

  • Comment by Aunt Lolly — February 28, 2011 @ 3:42 pm

    Hate to tell you this but it does not get easier when they are 6 1/2 and 8 years old! You will continue to race around and now attempting to dodge the candy isle, toy isle, magazine isle, ice cream isle, cereal isle, and seasonal idle…which really does not leave much more.

  • Comment by Ellie — February 28, 2011 @ 3:58 pm

    I learned this trick when I had to take two kids to the store: put the baby carrier sideways on the main basket – so that you can back stuff underneath and they are almost as secure as sitting in the basket taking up all the room. You’re going to love grocery shopping in a couple months, I promise, it’s so much fun – even as a working mom of two, the grocery store is like an amusement park. Thank goodness for Publix and their constant treats of free cookies, deli and cheese slices and random meat men who’ll take out a sample lobster to let the kids touch the claws. Love your blog!

  • Comment by Simone Wolfe — February 28, 2011 @ 4:53 pm

    This is really funny! I was also so clueless before I became a mom thinking of what those stay-at-home moms used to do all day long at home???

  • Comment by HaleyD — February 28, 2011 @ 6:37 pm

    This may be a brief period but I have to say that Coop and I had a pleasant trip to the grocery on Sunday. And we bought a lot!

  • Comment by Maggie — February 28, 2011 @ 6:48 pm

    So funny…..the good news is that in 30 years you won’t remember any of this…..that’s because they make you brain dead
    !!! Keep up the good work….Eleanora is thriving and looks so healthy and beautiful…………

  • Comment by Dana — February 28, 2011 @ 8:28 pm

    Yep. Motherhood and multi-tasking…it’s a work in progress. Enjoyed this very funny blog!

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  • Comment by Markey — March 3, 2011 @ 5:44 pm

    Great post! loved this! …especially the tooth paste conversation!

  • Comment by Hannilou — March 3, 2011 @ 11:10 pm

    Haha – thanks, Markey!

  • Comment by ginger — March 6, 2011 @ 5:39 pm

    this is hilarious and I totally relate! I just took my 5-week-old on her first errands run yesterday, but nothing that takes as long as the grocery store. I’ve been leaving her with my husband to do that, but have the same problem you do (you must also be breastfeeding…. my daughter is still nursing every 2 or so hours around the clock)…

    tomorrow I HAVE to take her with me to the grocery store and need to get more groceries than I can fit in the top part…. and she doesn’t really like her chest carrier. It should be an adventure. glad I’m not the only one!

    enjoyed your blog/writing!

  • Comment by Hannilou — March 9, 2011 @ 10:23 pm

    Ginger, hope the grocery trip went okay! I plan to move to the Baby Bjorn method of grocery shopping eventually… it seems like the best way when the baby isn’t big enough yet for the top part of the cart. Then again… is it bad that my weekly grocery trip by myself is like a mini-vacation? I’ve heard other moms say the same thing about trips to the dentist. I’d rather go to the grocery store though! :)

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